I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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