There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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