I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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