There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
