Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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