oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
