You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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