you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
