Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
