I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
