mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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