God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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