my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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