If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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