I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
