i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize