if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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