My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize