I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
