Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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