DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
