Moan for me like Helen Keller
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
