Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
