apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
