Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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