He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am one with the molecules
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
