Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
