Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
