ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize