I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
