when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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