At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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