My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
