we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
