i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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