he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you didnt know i had herpes?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
