ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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