I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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