I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The feeling are messing with the penis
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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