where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
