why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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