In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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