you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
