Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
