My liver just broke up with me...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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