Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I currently don't understand fingers.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
