I cannot find my penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
