in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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