I'm going to jail i love you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
