Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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