i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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