this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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