my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
