do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
