everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
