I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
pray to the hookup gods
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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