It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
